Learn lessons from my mistakes

I have spent years learning lessons that I wish I knew about before I went travelling. Here are 28 Lessons learnt from travelling the world.

1. Never trust a fart.
Lessons are to be learnt from this one

This is one that has got me 7 times so far. Firstly my guts are fucked, I can breathe Asian air and I need a shit. My first time I shit myself wasn’t even in Asia it was in Barcelona on a 7 day bender. This brings me to my 2nd lesson.

2. Always keep a pack of baby wipes close.
Lessons about keeping clean

Yep learnt this lesson in Vietnam. Baby wipes are essential not only for cleaning the body after you have been travelling for 3 days without a shower but they also come in handy when you need the toilet and all there is next to you is a bucket of water. Again links with lesson number 3.

3. Wipe with your right hand, eat with your left.
Lesson about using the right hands for the right job

While in Bali I was arrested, spent two nights in the worst place ever. When I needed the toilet I asked if I could have some toilet paper “wipe with your hand” was shouted at me. OK fine I will, fuck it right. No, they gave me a bag, literally a bag of the spiciest rice ever and I asked for a fork “Eat with your hands”. You can see where this is going.

4. Have a Portable Charger with you

This should be a given, I have spent many a bus journey over 14 hours to realise that if no one wants to socialise you are on your own, so prepare. Of course if you’re battery runs out you’re fucked! I have this one at the moment. Its £12 and has been a life saver. You can get one here.

5. You are never alone.
full moon party fancy dress crazy people

This shocked me when I first traveled alone. Even getting onto that flight I just spoke to the nice man next to me. I was never alone unless I wanted to be.

6. Adapt to the countries cultures and religions
Lessons about culture

There are many lessons to learn but this one is a biggy. If you are planning on visiting a different country do try to adapt to their culture. In UAE you must wear long shorts and cover your shoulders in shopping malls and around the city. Cambodia you must take your shoes off on the bus. Its carnival in Germany so why not dress up!! It’s the little lessons that go a long way.

7. Make your time to visit the museums
lessons we dont get taught in school

This is where you learn lessons yourself about the country or place that you are visiting but also learn about how a different place may show information in a different way. The war museum in Saigon shows the real damage the Americans caused in the war in Vietnam, Agent orange is a bitch.

8. Don’t drink the spirits from the locals in Indonesia
Lessons on alcohol

Luckily I learnt this lesson before it was too late. Be careful when drinking spirits aboard, especially in the poorer countries. I heard a story of a girl having a shot of vodka while on an island in Indonesia (Gilly T) and complained about seeing black spots. Apparently they didn’t go away and she is now partly blind. The alcohol is unfiltered. You might as well drink petrol.

9. Keep a anti bacterial gel with you

A lot of places don’t have hand soap or even a sink, it’s always good to keep some hand gel on you most of the time. Plus it feels nice.

10. Wear a fanny pack/bum bag/Backpack
lessons on keeping things safe

A tip I always forget but I do always wear my trusty backpack. I met a guy in Thailand who wore one as he didn’t have any pockets for his shorts. It just seem convenient, Deffo up there with the top tips. Always reminds me from the nerd in Eurotrip though. Though not the best you can get one for less than £3. I would recommend paying a little bit more though. It is where you keep your passport, money etc. Check it out by following the link.

11. Embrace the bum gun

A lot of countries don’t have good enough plumbing to flush toilet paper so they have what I call a bum gun. Its amazing (apart from the broken ones that don’t stop and you end up flooding the bathroom) but yeah use it and abuse it.

12. Speak to the locals

Some of the best nights out I have had travelling are because I have spoken to the locals, they will give you advice on places to go and what to see. I met a group of girls in Italy that took me to a secret street party it was amazing and literally hidden down a back ally.

13. Know basic English

It’s hard to say but its true, unfortunately the English are lazy as fuck and will not learn another language so when meeting us just speak your mother tongue and piss us off. But English is the universal language and most places speak it.

14.Wear shoes on motorbikes/scooters.

One of my first times on a moped, I was young, dumb and full of … Idiotic confidence. I have never fallen off a moped yet (I’m touching my cabinet as I’m writing this) but I did lose control. I used my foot to push myself away from the road. Well let’s I couldn’t walk on my foot for a while after.

15. Have your own padlocks 🔒

Speaks for itself, some hostels don’t have padlocks and will charge you stupid amounts if you need one, save money bring your own.

16. If they say “it’s holy water it’s clean you can drink it”… It’s not

Water was tasty, stomach cramps for two days after wasn’t.

17. The buckets of sangSom in Koh San Road fuck you up

Again learnt this the hard way and still went back for more. I know idiot. The buckets are cheap but when some guy comes back and says he had two so naturally I told him I could do six, it was never gonna end well. Saved by my mate while walking home with a lady boy. Stick to Chang (this isn’t much better).

18. No sunrise 🌅 and sunset 🌇 are the same.
Sun rise on Mount Batur

From a desert in Oman to the tip of a volcano in Indonesia they will always be magnificent but there will be days you get up early to wait for cloud….

19. Americans hate the words “cunt” and “retard”

I mean come on they gave us these words in films like the hangover and shows like family guy, even a song “let’s get retarded”, but for some reason they cringe up whenever you say it. Unlike the Aussies who use it as a form of hello now :’)

20. You can be too drunk to fly.

I just love honey whisky and when it is £18 in the duty-free I’m gonna finish it. Ended up saluting the captain of the next flight to be allowed to fly, apparently if you can salute you are sober enough…

21. Don’t choose a girl/boy 👦👧 over your flight.

If your flight is the next day don’t get drunk and rely on someone else to get you up and set their alarm.

22. Some places expect a tip some don’t, find out!

Yep in America and Canada if you don’t tip after every drink even if you’re at the bar you will just get mugged off. England is different you tip at the end of a meal. In japan its considered rude.

23. You can travel with kids

Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you can’t go travelling. I’m aware that it may be harder to find money but I have seen kids with their parents having an amazing time. I even watched a dance off with an Aussie and a 10-year-old (who kicked his ass). Video will be up. I mean this guy beat me in a dance off in Koh San Road.

24. Don’t play Brazilians at table football.
Table football brazillian

Fuck these guys are insane, we don’t have many table football games in England so we’re all shit. But if you ever meet Brazilians and they want to play for money, politely say fuck off.

26. Turbulence is normal, do not worry
turbulance is fine engine damage

Took me around 10 flights to feel safe on a plane, I’ve been on rough flights and held a few hands while landing but flying is considered the safest way to travel. Only worry when the captain asks the flight attendants to sit down.

27. Avoid sea urchins

Fuck this hurts, nasty little fucks I stood on one skinny dipping. Apparently if you ever do squeeze lemon over the spine and hit the skin around it with a ruler. Some advice I was given after the skin had healed so I got the hard way in a hospital and scraped them out.

28. Avoid ping-pong shows (Bangkok)

I say avoid them, just go to them in a big group, I met two guys who went in a tuk tuk and as soon as the door was closed had a gun pulled on them and had to hand over everything. It’s a dangerous world, keep your wits about you. Learn from my lessons and from what others may tell you on your own travels.

Well wasn’t that fun

I hope you enjoyed  these little lessons I have learnt. I will continue to add more hints and tips to help you guys out and to learn lessons from my mistakes. Please feel free to share to all your loved ones, caution to kids reading this otherwise mums will be down my neck (unless your mums a ledge).